Genesis 31 Day 4
Ariel’s Notes:
WEDNESDAY, MAY 3, 2023 AT 11:46 AM • 1102 C ST, REDDING • JOURNAL
Wholeheartedly Failing
or
Identity Shaking Freedom
Unexplainable, inescapable, pervasive, without cause or affect, slow growing, seeping in, dark even in the light, a darkness you can taste, and feel, but cannot see. A nagging sadness, never wanted, never warranted, even in goodness I can present. Folding in on its self, stepping out makes stepping in all the more. Never real, always the lie. Constant, nagging, Seeping darkness. Lost for an answer, weeping in no pain. If you've had it ...you know! If not...you can't ever understand. You can mask it, but never hide. You can walk ahead, but never out run. You don't know why, you want to hide, and you know soon you will be on the other side. Until then... and Even with!Jesus there is still a seeping in, so today choose me, because I can barely choose. Today bring me anything, everything, or nothing. But bring me you. The more I find you, The less it finds me. Protect me even when I don't protect myself. Breathing new life, new love, new fullness of joy. There is nothing to lose and everything already gained in the shadow of your wings. Waking up everything feels normal not overjoyed, but not completely motionless just yet. OK today is going to be OK I'm OK. And then slowly but surely minute by minute a progressive pervasive sadness creeps in. Ever present slowly stealing always winning. But what's the cause? I don't know. Just snap back, but snap back from what? No cause, No effect, No programmed solution, No answers, because what is the question.
This is what I felt after stepping into the mom role in Tahoe overdoing it in my own strength using counterfeit energy substances and motivation stealing useless ideals. Too much is never enough and none at all is perfect until it isn’t. I am tired God, I have no motivation, no energy for what I believed was your will for my life. Programmed for perfection, programmed at a young age with the future in mind, taught responsibility in association with the will of God for our lives, we never live for eternity, we just live with the next goal in mind. This mentality is what depleted, me created my heart to wander so easily. Because in your word I am never tired never lost and always found! But to be honest sometimes being lost is easier it comes so natural and being found takes a daily surrender to its reality.
The responsibilities of the roles I play are what has depleted me and when I focus too much on my role instead of walking out my identity. I become lackluster, laced in dissension, riddled with disillusionment, tossed on waves of jealousy, seeking out counterfeit peace and counterfeit solutions to my counterfeit problems only perpetuated by my lack of energy and little to no motivation. And all these add up to fear, guilt and shame when I can’t fulfill the roles to perfection! In my role depression kicks in, in my role comparison abounds. I lie to protect the appearance of my role, but when walking in my identity I know my weaknesses and except that perfection is not expectance.
It never even occurred to me that perhaps the way I feel isn’t to support the many roles I play, but there to help me walk out my identity. When I’m exhausted with low motivation which is most days without outside counterfeit help, I can’t physically stay focused long enough to run the treadmill of laundry, dishes, spring cleaning, volunteering, planning elaborate activities, or the million trillion other things I have going. But what I can do is sit in his presence, I can read his word, I can minister love to my children by just being.
What if our physical strength or lack there of mixed with our emotional state, is actually meant for kingdom building identity?! Rather than Instagram building feel good hunky dory white picket fence famous in your own right kind of life? What if I can’t keep up with all the perfection in my roles because I was never meant too?!
Maybe my lack of motivation and energy is my thorn in my side...and the lie I have is that I need
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famous in your own right kind of life? What if I can’t keep up with all the perfection in my roles because I was never meant too?!
Maybe my lack of motivation and energy is my thorn in my side...and the lie I have is that I need something to keep my motivation and energy alive. So I use what’s dead to keep me alive. A complete contraindication. I have lived my life for far too long In contraindications. I mean a person with anaphylaxis would never pursue eating the food in which they are allergic too! So why do I? Society...Society tell us we need to be responsible in the roles we were given as if finishing your responsibilities in this life is the way to righteous living. I still associate God as a God who gives responsibility...that if my role as a mother is somehow not fulfilled, if I leave a sink full of dirty dishes for the rest of their lives, I am somehow outside of God’s purpose for my life. But what if the responsibilities we have weren’t meant for us to have? When walking out in our true identity, mine could be sitting at the feet of Jesus reading his word for hours and ignoring the household responsibilities and that for me is In right order. That is the life!!! And purpose found in the fortitude of hours in presence, instead of household chores. I get so caught up in the roles I have that I think living up to that role and finishing all of its to do’s is righteous Godly living. That somehow if I’m shirking society’s standard of motherhood, wifehood, and all the should’s then I can’t possibly be walking in Gods will for my life. Because God is a God of responsibility! Right?!
Who said I needed motivation to get to the dishes? And really... who said the dishes are waiting? Who said the dishes and laundry has to be done? The evil one does, every day, every single second, he’s screaming in our ear everything that has to be done. Because he knows what kind of burden this creates in our hearts. He knows what it will take to keep us fixated on our roles and responsibilities, instead of being immersed in the abiding presence of our Jesus. Satan knows we can find purpose in our roles, which is why we are so consumed with perfecting them! But our ultimate purpose is found in the abiding presence of the Great I Am... God sits at our door and calls I Am your identity I am your purpose I am the one who stirs you moment by moment. You do not have motivation and energy, because I have not called you to those dishes right now. I have not given you the grace for that housework today, because I didn’t ask you to vacuum only to turn around and vacuum again. Also let me clarify you can most definitely find Jesus in your every day mundane tasks, but your purpose and identity isn’t tied to those dishes being done. But the all American dream our western Christian culture dictates to us what our purpose and identity are, by way of roles and responsibilities.
Jacob vassalates between his role and identity. He steps back into the husband role and becomes fearful of losing his wives, by way of Laban if he finds out they are leaving. He is afraid of failing in that role, and so decides to take action to protect that role by running. But when walking in identity, he clearly heard God speak... it is time to move on. So in keeping with identity instead of back to role playing would have kept his purpose and abiding presence in view! Therefore irradadicating any fear or need to take on the role of responsibility in husbandry! Just because I don’t live for the roles I play it must mean therefore I can’t possibly be living according to Gods will and purpose for my life. The value we still place on these behaviors is so out of order. We can still fulfill our roles when Identity comes first. And if we place so much value on right living instead of right order living, we will fail every single time.
As if God needs our help to keep us in the role of mother father sister or brother. That’s why Jacob’s fear came in.
Somehow I think my role is more important than my identity and somehow God wants me to take care
of my role as the source of my relationship with Him. Somehow I mixed up the had too with the I AM. I
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had to sustain my roles too perfection in order to maintain my identity and the close connection with
Somehow I think my role is more important than my identity and somehow God wants me to take care of my role as the source of my relationship with Him. Somehow I mixed up the had too with the I AM. I had to sustain my roles too perfection in order to maintain my identity and the close connection with my Jesus. And I was forced to do things to maintain this false perspective for years until now. I wanted to know why I couldn’t stop myself from doing some of the behaviors such as lying, manipulating, and selfishness when I’ve asked to be free from it all. And HE was just waiting until the root could become visible. The root is found in the transformation from role to identity living.
Why ever be afraid of weakness in my roles if I’m walking out my God given identity. When I’m focused on my roles as a mother, friend, wife etc. I’m essentially focused inward instead of upward. And this is a dangerous trap. What you focus on is where your hearts posture moves towards. The more we focus on self, on finding our own identity, the less identifiable we become. The more you focus the less you receive. I had so been focused on doing all the things, being all the things and perfecting all the things, instead of focusing on the only one who truly fills all those roles in me! Trying to find identity in the role you play, is like trying to find purpose at the bottom of the bottle. We glance up instead of gaze. We face life with our role in mind instead of identity at hand. We focus, fabricate, and formulate, instead of walking, breathing, and living from the VICTOR of our GRACE!
We must empty from the interests of this life! I thought I had...but I’ve only just begun!
Let us acknowledge the Lord;let us press on to acknowledge him.-Hosea 6:3 ...this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God... 2 Cor. 1:9
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -
2 Cor. 4:18
...doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people...-Ephesians 6:6,7
Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim, you, who walk in the light of your presence, Lord. They rejoice in your name all day long; they celebrate your righteousness. For you, are their glory and strength, and by your favor, you exalt our horn.-Psalms 89:15-17
Rend your heart and not your garments.-Joel 2:13
Our identity comes from servant hood not responsibility. “...I am giving you the service of the priesthood as a gift...” -Numbers 18:7
When we walk in our God given Identity our life becomes like the staff of Aaron, “...not only sprouted but had budded, blossomed, and produced almonds.” -Numbers 17:8
A transformed mind, has a heart that knows it’s identity. Listen to song As You Find Me by Hillsong
Proverbs Chapter 2
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Proverbs Chapter 2
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